Sunday, September 26, 2004

Fear of a blank planet

Just as a blank piece of paper used to scare the crap out of me sometimes in the good old days, I've been staring at the "create post" page of my Blogger Dashboard for a couple of minutes now, trying to think of something to write. I went and tinkered with my Profile for a little while, considering about making it less jokey and more factual (didn't bother, added another few favorite movies, books and bands).

Then I started clicking on a few links on the profile page, to see who was of a like mind out there. What I learned: most people in Northern Ireland with a blog are students getting ready for the new term. Did it make me nostalgic? Did it bollocks. Even when I was a student, I hated students. Or, to be precise, "bloody stew-dents". I remember frequently sitting in the Union bar with me old mucker Glenn, making plenty of derisive cracks at the idiots who made up the student body at the college we occasionally frequented. So here's some of my tips for the kids out there heading off to university for the first time in the coming weeks.

1. Never refer to university as "uni", especially in a city centre bar. You'll sound like a cunt.
2. Drugs are great, but talking about drugs is really fucking boring. Wearing "humorous" drug-related clothing or jewelry will make you look like a cunt.
3. That band on the cover of the NME may be your new favoritist band ever, but I assure you they're shit and will be forgotten by the time you get your degree. Don't bother buying that t-shirt.
4. Yes, we have all seen Betty Blue. It's over-rated. As is back-packing, the collected works of Tolkien, Bo Selecta and Donnie fucking Darko.
5. Don't wear a hat indoors. It's uncouth and will make you look like a cunt.
6. Freshers week is fun, girls, but don't get so drunk that you'll sleep with the first pretentious idiot who makes a pass at you. You could get a dodgy reputation, or worse: you might sober up ten years later and realise you're married to a cunt.